Three hundred billion zooper doopers from my primary school canteen (six hundred billion if the canteen lady chops them in half so I can redistribute my wealth to the masses).
Sixty eight thousand houses in Sydney to quarantine in, or even one would be nice.
A new evaporator core so I can finally get my car’s broken A/C system fixed.
This painting of two dudes wearing interesting hats and playing cards (Card Players by Paul Cézanne, $250 million).
One million seven hundred and two thousand hair stylists for a year to fix everyone’s unfortunate isolation haircuts (I’m a giver).
Some actual funding for Australian universities and research facilities because this is a really awkward time to allow the entire sector to collapse, and I feel embarrassed about it.
Eighty five wind farms the size of Australia’s largest, with the capacity to power over thirty three million Australian homes, eliminating Australia’s need for Fossil Fuels, creating at least fifty one thousand jobs, and making it look like we live in a science fiction movie made in 1997 starring Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman as extremely attractive, but ultimately doomed lovers.
The state of Tasmania, which seems a bit fucking cheap for a land that was stolen through acts of war and genocide.
Adequate funding for disaster preparation and recovery so it doesn’t have to be sourced by a comedian over instagram.
Fifty three years of funding for the ABC, or one season of Gardening Australia set on Mars where Costa shows us how to create a lush botanical garden in space using his own faeces.
The Australian arts industry.
The respect of my peers.
The respect of my cat (maybe?).
Housing, basic health care and living expenses to one million, two hundred thousand refugees in Australia for a year. Or;
The imprisonment of one hundred thousand refugees in offshore detention centres for a year. Mmh. What a difficult choice. I can see why the Government struggles with it.
A time machine to go back to 2007 and slap a Kevin ‘07 campaigner in the face (I'm feeling tense).
Properly funded services for Indigenous people, designed and run by Indigenous peopl — Sorry, I… I got a horrible chill, it felt like Tony Abbott slithered into the room and was standing behind me just… staring.
An entire year’s living wage for the 1.3 million Australians who are currently out of work, with six billion left over for something fun like increasing the '“minimum wage” so it matches the “living wage” instead of leaving essential workers to die inside squalid mould infested share houses, eating 99c ramen for dinner every night, and having to sleep with their toothbrush under their pillow because otherwise their housemate Nick will definitely use it.
One and a half Elon Musks.
Three and a half Rupert Murdochs.
Fifteen Clive Palmers.
Twenty nine Donald Trumps.
Two and a half million Australian millennials trapped in a housing bubble that forces them to spend 60% of their earnings on rent, which means their only real asset is a car with a broken air conditioner, and, even though they have a little bit of savings tucked away, they just spent a good chunk of it on a video game so they can pick pretend apples, have meaningful conversations with an anthropomorphic mouse, and experience (for the first time) what it’s like to put up a shelf without having to email a real estate agent who will then contact the landlord five weeks later to ask for their permission, which they certainly will not give.
Six hundred and eighty one million copies of Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
Twenty Olympic sized swimming pools filled with Australian one dollar coins to dive into like Scrooge McDuck, snap my neck, and be done with this fucking world.
One hundred and fifty million hours of therapy.
Happiness?
Three billion five hundred and twenty thousand family sized pizzas from the place around the corner, if I use the discount code they just texted me.
Six years of average wages for the one hundred and fifty seven thousand public hospital nurses in Australia (or four and a half years of wages if I pay them fairly).
One million two hundred thousand hospital grade ICU ventilators.
One hundred and twenty thousand hospital beds, that we could actually need if there’s a second wave.
Eight hundred and twenty three new public hospitals, or even just the restoration of the $57 billion dollars Scott Morrison cut from public hospitals and health services when he was treasurer, with a bit left over to order some of those aforementioned pizzas.
Or, I guess I could just spend the money on one hundred and twenty thousand sporting grants to clubs in marginal seats, and buy myself eight hundred and two Australian federal elections. You know, as a little treat.
*Please note: I did quite a lot of this math myself, so there will be some mistakes, but I guarantee that I’m better at math than fucking Frydenberg.
I went from smiling at #2, 3 & 4 to chuckling at #19, 20, 21 & 22 to a full out laugh at #23 (especially the bit about the shelf). But....things are funny because (in my experience) they're underpinned by poignant truths -- defining truths. The litany of stupid decisions and actions and policies littered throughout the rest of the list are a sobering indictment indeed. Hmmmmmm.....
(You're no) "....better at maths than fucking Frydenberg" will be my go-to insult for the coming months (will promise to use it indiscriminately at the most inappropriate of moments) . Brilliant.